Supposed to be

I’m supposed to be writing a book. That much I Am certain of (and if you Only Knew how Uncertain I am about Everything Else in my life right now). I do know this. I’m supposed to be writing a book.

And not a novel (I don’t think). I’m not really a ‘novel’ kind of person. I’m more of a baring my soul sort of gal. Though there are times I think maybe baring my soul IN a novel might be the way to go. No one could say for certain its Me on the pages.

But where does one start when writing a book? And I don’t even mean in the ‘at the beginning’ sense. I mean, WHERE do I write it. In a notebook? On a blog? In a simple word document? Where does one put all the words that eventually create the larger piece….?

Missing all the the signs

An honest moment: I’m not MISSING them, I’m just clearly choosing to ignore them.

And they’ve decided to come back and bite me in the ass.

I said today I want a blueprint, or a map, to navigate this inner work I’m doing. I feel instead like… I’m flailing in the deep end, or lost in the woods, or, or…. any variation on saying I feel totally, and painfully, lost.

And then counseling today. Couples counseling. This therapist is good. She pushes. Today? She pushed too much. Or I was too tender. Regardless, I was in tears only minutes in, I left in tears, 30 minutes later I returned home in tears, an hour after that I was in tears while trying to do yoga (that’s supposed to be Calming, right?). I managed to get it under control, only to be set off in another round of tears by a simple fb message from a friend about Mars being in Scorpio right now (astrology stuff I don’t really follow). And then again when picking the girls up from school. I can’t get it together!

So what kind of sign is that?

Cliche

It seems so (see title) to start writing again Now. New Years Day. Always about resolutions, right? Wouldn’t it make sense that my resolution would be to write more? The catch is, I’ve Been writing (okay, a Little). Just not here. In one of those ‘private’ online journals that are only for me. Which still feels a little scary. I mean, it’s Out There, right? I do miss the paper journals, with the perfect pen… but typing is faster for me now, and more portable, and really? I’ve become horrible about carrying a book bag wherever I go (I miss those days….).

But even though I had no intention to set a resolution, I had a moment today that nudged me. (Okay, it threw me on my ass). But it was enough of an emotional and physical (visceral comes to mind) response that even in my sleep-deprived, harried state, I concluded need to be acknowledged by more than the momentary breathlessness, and tight chested panic that ensued.

After 20 years (TO THE DAY. Hello? Sign?) I think its time I process that part of my journey.

Dammit.

Big GIrl Pants?

I think I put on my big girl pants today. The ones that make me feel like I’m still probably pretending at being an adult, but I’m going to try it anyway.

Back in May I saw that Elizabeth Gilbert was speaking at a women’s retreat in East New York at Omega Institute in September. There was no hesitation. I signed up for it, and shared the link with a friend I thought might find it interesting too. Before the day was over, we’d both paid our deposits for the weekend.

Now, this was a Huge Step for a hundred reasons, the two biggest being that this weekend would take me away from home (and the kids) for four days, AND that it would cost a lot of  money. Both Issues for me. But I felt Bold. And Confident. and Good about doing this.

Until I didn’t. As the weeks have passed, I’ve realized this weekend falls only two weeks into the school year for the girls. I’ve looked at that amount of money and thought of all the other things (read trips) I could do with it. But most of all, it wasn’t feeling Right. I was ‘anxious’ about being away, the trip was interfering with two different work events, unsure about traveling with someone I don’t have a Close connection with.

Today I decided to cancel. I’ve been toying with the idea for a few weeks, but today I decided to do what felt right for Me. KNOWING it would disappoint someone else. I did Not make excuses. I Did apologize. And I left it at that.

What’s my worth?

Last week I decided “my worth” was about $150. A local high school was selling off their old computers…. and I wanted a MacBook. I’ve wanted my own laptop for a long time now…. but didn’t feel comfortable spending the money on it. But then this ‘deal’ came along. $150? I can ‘justify’ spending $150 on me.

The computers were sold before the sale even started, so then I had to ask myself: Am I worth more? How much more? $250? $300? $500?!

Does this sound crazy? This is what it feels like to me. Can I justify spending money on a computer, which for me translates into writing. Can I spend money on my writing when I don’t necessarily write for anyone other than me?

Well, I did. I didn’t get the backlit keyboard, or ‘cool color’ computer like I wanted (I’m not worth $500. Yet). But I have this nifty little machine, sitting in my lap, while H is in OT, and I’m writing my first entry from it.

I decided last night I can cover it in stickers and carry it with me everywhere. I feel like a little kid with a new toy. I think back to my old rooms with walls covered in sayings and quotes and images. It makes me happy to be able to carry them with me now.

Safe Space

Halen.

My mom has said since she was little, “it’s hard to be Halen”. And it is. I don’t doubt it. It’s also Very Hard to parent Halen.

She’s done a huge backward slide over the past month. The most recent ‘panics’:
~She can’t bear to be more than 30 minutes away from me (because then it isn’t easy to get to each other)
~Any sort of doctor or dentist appt. (we are giving her xanax today to get her to the dr)
~And, quinoa. She Freaked last night while eating it because it reminded her of fish eggs

Okay, the last one is a little funny, but it feels like just One More Thing that sets her off.

And we have school starting in a few weeks. And a vacation in there. And…. And…. I’m tired. It just all makes me so tired.

How many ideas?

Can I fit in one post? Proof I need to be writing more than I am.

1. Solitude. This word has always resonated with me. The irony is how little of it I’ve afforded myself over the years. Perhaps I’ve craved connection more, or maybe, let’s be honest, I just did what I thought I was supposed to do. Someone asks you to do something you say yes. Even if the day comes and you’re itchy all over and whiny because the last thing you want to do is what you’ve said you do. This past weekend, I found a balance. Or place that felt comfortable. While staying at friends’, I spent time in the basement with my book while they sat by the fire. The next morning, H and I took one of the dogs for a walk (midst thousands of people… no joke). But we could walk hand in hand, talk or not, and just be together. Not once did I feel like I needed to apologize for my absence, or my solitude. Though today now, I’m craving it even more. I feel a ‘social hibernation’ coming on…..

2. Growth? Things have been really shitty lately. And by lately, I mean at least a year…. probably longer. Over the past few weeks (when I’ve been writing more) I’ve been starting to see that my current unhappiness can’t continue. So of course I’ve emotionally railed. I’ve been angry, pissed off, hardly resigned at all to this being my reality. Today, another thought started to creep in. This level of uncomfortableness means something. It means something else needs to happen. And I’m pretty damn sure it isn’t going to be easy, but it means something will change. And that’s a good thing.

3. Brene Brown. People have been telling me for Years I need to read her, that I’ll love her, blah blah blah. The quickest way to get me to NOT read something is to tell me I should (And I wonder where Halen gets her Spiderface from). The same held true for Elizabeth Gilbert (and now I’m going to NY next month to hear her speak). But Brene. Thank you facebook for your ‘suggested post’ about her online course on vulnerability. Each night when I watch one of the sessions, she says something else that I was Meant to hear. Tonight it was comparing shame to the dementors in Harry Potter. And also her saying how common it is for people to tune out when she uses the word shame. (me!).

There’s a song lyric stuck in my head… something about going under…..