I was up until about 3… about 230 I went and got halen and brought her into bed with me–I just needed her close. I laid here thinking how I’ll tell her and what we will do going forward. My only focus is going to be them and teaching them love and kindness because it’s the one thing I can do. Granted the 2 hours prior to that were spent sobbing and fretting over the state of my marriage and our country. But this is what I’m going to do today: We are going to make little signs that represent love over hate. We are going to take a picture the 3 of us and post it to Facebook with a note that reads: we are going to be the change we wish to see in the world. And then I am turning off Facebook for the duration… That may mean a week a month… Who knows how long. But my canary energy needs to be with those beautiful girls and showing them how important Love is.
Blessing for a Broken Vessel
Do not despair.
You hold the memory
of what it was
to be whole.
It lives deep
in your bones.
in your heart
that has been torn
a hundred times.
in your lungs
that know the mystery
of what it means
to be full,
to be empty,
to be full again.
I am not asking you
to give up your grip
on the shards you clasp
so close to you
but to wonder
what it would be like
for those jagged edges
to meet each other
in some new pattern
that you have never imagined,
that you have never dared
This feels like such an epiphany… though I suspect it was what I was thinking a few years back when I started this sorry excuse for a blog. “Resolving forty”….. trying to get my mind around “this time” in my life. When I started I embraced the idea of what I wanted to Add to my life–hobbies, beliefs, I wanted to be part of who I am. I’ve failed pretty miserably at my ‘grand plan’. And that’s being kind.
Tonight in the shower, I felt like I was able to put words to this mid-life time (as it is for me). The ‘joke’ is always, “mid-life crisis” when you turn 40. Men get sports cars and younger women. Women dye their hair and get plastic surgery. That’s what media tells us anyway. But what has it meant for me?
I’ve been skirting around the edges of this since I wrote last (which I don’t even want to read, I can only imagine how disjointed and whiny it sounded). But what this time has come to represent for me is a recognition of what I Won’t have in this life. Over the year I’ve come to terms with the Big Ones: I won’t be an archaeologist on a dig in Africa. I won’t fluently read Gide or Camus in their native language, I won’t own a dance studio, or a bookstore in Maine (though this one might come through some day!). It’s the smaller…. or less tangible ones I’m still trying to accept.
I can honestly talk about my depression, but I struggle putting words to my relationships. There are pieces missing in my closest relationships that I haven’t been willing to accept. Until now? Am I ready now? I’m acknowledging them, at least to my self… that’s something, perhaps?
perhaps I wasn’t done earlier…. still thinking over the day, and what’s mulling around in my mind and what I don’t want to ‘lose’.
- Is it possible I’m starting to believe I deserve love? This would also mean I’m accepting the belief that I haven’t allowed myself to experience it. (huge concept).
- I felt a bit ‘normal’ today–and then panicked–does that mean the medication is helping? (isn’t that what its Supposed to do?) Why am I afraid of it working? I’m afraid its going to take away an essential part of Me. Of my ‘me-ness’.
- Does it make me sad to think I’m past the point in my life where someone might….
I guess I’m not ready to process All of it yet…..
I think there’s “work being done” under the surface. The night-time dreams are shifting things around… making a path through the muddle of my mind.
I’m feeling bits of clarity here and there. Today while getting my massage there were many bursts of realization: I miss touch. I’ve missed it for years. Have I always missed it? Have I ever allowed myself to accept (truly, fully, accept) affection, or caring, from another? Even after months of massage, today felt different…. I felt more open. More nurtured. Not Nurturing, but accepting nurturing from another. I caught a momentary glimpse of how high my walls really must be.
My dreams lately are familiar in their patterns, but when I wake in the morning I’m no longer aching for connection…. I don’t wake wishing the loneliness wasn’t so real.
I’d like to know what this means. I’m terrified its going to fade away and I’ll be back where I was. But it feels like Something is shifting. Inside.
“How are you?”
“How have things been lately?”
The standard line of “good”, “fine”…. its exhausting to say even that these days.