This feels like such an epiphany… though I suspect it was what I was thinking a few years back when I started this sorry excuse for a blog. “Resolving forty”….. trying to get my mind around “this time” in my life. When I started I embraced the idea of what I wanted to Add to my life–hobbies, beliefs, I wanted to be part of who I am. I’ve failed pretty miserably at my ‘grand plan’. And that’s being kind.
Tonight in the shower, I felt like I was able to put words to this mid-life time (as it is for me). The ‘joke’ is always, “mid-life crisis” when you turn 40. Men get sports cars and younger women. Women dye their hair and get plastic surgery. That’s what media tells us anyway. But what has it meant for me?
I’ve been skirting around the edges of this since I wrote last (which I don’t even want to read, I can only imagine how disjointed and whiny it sounded). But what this time has come to represent for me is a recognition of what I Won’t have in this life. Over the year I’ve come to terms with the Big Ones: I won’t be an archaeologist on a dig in Africa. I won’t fluently read Gide or Camus in their native language, I won’t own a dance studio, or a bookstore in Maine (though this one might come through some day!). It’s the smaller…. or less tangible ones I’m still trying to accept.
I can honestly talk about my depression, but I struggle putting words to my relationships. There are pieces missing in my closest relationships that I haven’t been willing to accept. Until now? Am I ready now? I’m acknowledging them, at least to my self… that’s something, perhaps?